Nen G Ramirez

Nen G Ramirez

Golden Shovel for My Mother

after “Ending the Estrangement” by Ross Gay

my mother breastfed me even as my
teeth pierced my gums pierced my mother’s
skin so we cried together not of sadness
but instead of shared pain of flesh which
tore of the same sharp whiteness this is my blood, poured out for you i was

six years old and still fed by her breasts my father’s friend paid $100 to
see them but not touch she bought groceries to feed me
filling my hunger an emptiness not unbearable
shallower than her own but still deeper than she ever wanted for me until

adulthood, her body fed me grease-burnt swollen-footed it
nourished me even as i held his hands the same kind she felt
at her throat in her hair that rubbed her face into
the carpet like a punished dog and later when those hands betrayed me
she held mine in hers she did not

stop feeding me when i shrugged off her last name said i will not be like
you scraped the saginaw from my tongue became what
she trained me to fear i told her i wanted an easier life for my kids but was terrified i
would raise strangers she said before i formed you in the womb i knew you when i thought

of suckling from a bottle of bleach when i stole her razor blade used it
to carve this body grown of hers his body built of sacrificed body i felt
the blood pour from me for only me she held me to her breasts to her body like
i never left it whoever eats my flesh remains in me and i in them she drove me to
the emergency room and the nurse said i look just like her